As a sophomore in high
school I was faced with many complications especially coming from a private
school. Walking into Delaware Hayes, I was terrified not because of the
stereotypes but because I really had no idea what I was walking into…
As I walked through the
second story hallway with my backpack glued to my back, my palms sweaty, and my
heart pounding from anxiety; I look up and hear, “You’re lucky you’re pregnant,
bitch!” coming from down the hall. Now seeing this girl come towards me, my
first instinct was to turn and run, not because I was the “pregnant bitch” but
because I was the new girl and my old high school, daily prayers said over the
announcements, and hearing those words from the opposite side of the hallway
was definitely a shocker to me. I went through the first quarter mostly by
keeping my head down and praying to hear that two-thirty bell so I could run to
get on the bus and finally be in my safe haven: Home.
I was introduced to our
local youth group my eighth grade year, so it was no surprise that I stayed
with it. I was on the “Leadership” team and being at Church and going to youth
group every Sunday night was just about the only thing that felt right in my
life. Being surrounded by people that genuinely cared about me was what I
needed and they were so filled with happiness, hope, and joy…not hatred,
fakeness, and lies.
April of my sophomore
year I went on a Youth Group Retreat. By April I started having doubts about my
faith and my life; little did I know, a retreat was what I needed. I carpooled
with two of my guy friends to Camp Otyokwah. It was about two hours away and
the car ride seemed to fly by, not because we were “having fun” but because I
was dreading spending two nights in cold, dark woods, in gross bunk beds, and
singing the same stupid songs over and over again.
Here it was, the one
cabin (where around seventy people were staying) was about a mile away from the
“lodge” where we would have our Church service, our stupid skits, and most
importantly: where the food was. I remember thinking, “You have got to be
kidding me.” Being a teenager, obviously, I was mad about turning my phone off
for a weekend; but now I have to walk a mile to eat?!
The first night we settled
into our rooms then met in the lodge; we broke into our groups and talked about
the agenda for the weekend. After we ate and had a few talks about expectations
for the weekend the CORE team put together a skit. The skit involved one person
walking aimlessly around eight people dressed in all black holding signs such
as “drugs”, “sex”, “alcohol”, etc. The hooded people represented sins, but to
me it related so much to my life, I walk down the halls of Hayes and I am faced
with these “sins” daily. As the person walked to each “sin” she took the sin
and hung it around her neck, showing that she had committed those sins. At the
end of the person fell to the floor as if her soul was hopeless, but a man came
out dressed in all white and took the sins off of her neck; as if freeing her
from her sins. The man was God.
I don’t know why that
impacted me the way it did. I know a lot of people did not have the same
feelings about it as I did, but I wish that everyone could have felt how I did.
The next day we went to
boating and did a lot of obstacle courses that did not test our agility but
also our faith. That night is when everything really hit me. We had a bonfire
and classically sang songs, ate marshmallows, and had a really good time. After
the bonfire we were handed candles and led up to the highest hill on the campsite.
We walked there in complete silence and as we approached the top of the hill you
could just feel the sense of love. In the middle of the wet grass was a huge cement
cross, not standing but laying on the ground; and we were told to light our
candles and put them on the cross then lay down and look up. I did what I was
told, and I will never get over the feeling that I felt when I laid down on the
wet, itchy, cold grass that night. I looked up to see the clearest sky I have
ever seen in my life, and right then every doubt I had ever had, was completely
forgotten, not because I was dumbfounded by the beauty of the stars but because
I was home, I knew that everything that had happened in my life led up to that
point of me laying there surrounded by people who cared about me and who would
do anything just for me to crack a smile.
I don’t think that life
is about having an amazing job, having tons of friends, or even saying “no” to taunting
sins; but maybe it is about nights like that night on the hill, when you can
genuinely say, “Everything is okay” and know that all of those “pointless” things
that you stressed about so much, such as someone yelling down the hall,
switching schools, or even having doubts about what you believe in, led you to
that perfect moment and without all of those bad things, you would not be where
you are today; at least I know I would not be.
